Thoughts on How to Handle Difficult Moments with Family Members Large or Small (This works with the little ones too.)

Family members (big or little) who are having a difficult time typically have short fuses and are reactive.  They walk around with thin skins (or poor boundaries) and do a lot of blaming, shaming or denying.  In dealing with a difficult family member it is always helpful to have an anchor to hold onto so you don’t jump into the reactive zone with them.  (I call this the whoosh zone. Reactive or whoosh zones are highly contagious.)

The first order of business in dealing with a difficult family member is to manage your own response.  Don’t get reactive back.  When hot words, glaring looks or boney fingers of shame and blame are being directed at you, mentally put up a shield (or energy force field,) breathe, straighten your back (REMEMBER YOU HAVE BACKBONE,) and remind yourself that you are precious and valuable.  Also remind yourself that this family member matters to you, but you also matter to you.  Go inside and check with yourself.  It may take all you can muster just to listen and keep your mouth shut.  Listen for what is true in what they have to say.  It could only be only 15% of what they are saying has any truth for you.  Listen for what you can agree with.  Let the rest go past your shield like hot air blowing past.  They have some mental story they are making up about you or the situation and are speaking from that picture.  Put on your “listening with empathy” hat.  When they are done, if you cannot respond with an “I” response that has no shame or blame in it, just acknowledge you heard what they had to say and you need a few minutes to think about it before you respond.  Go inside.  Remember we are all one.  Ask for guidance on how to best respond.  Breathe into the space inside that remembers you love this person and you want to know them and be known by them.  As you breathe, relax your muscles, let the adrenalin rush pass.  Focus your mind on the picture of who you want to be: patient, responsible, loving, strong (whatever the self trait is that you are currently working on in your life to be the best you can be.)