The Stories We Tell Ourselves & The Havoc They Cause

Do you find yourself making up stories about people only to find out they are not true? And then being either embarassed or disappointed? From a little to a lot? Let me give you an example. One client of mine shared with me a common fantasy we women can hold: that this man was such a prince, said all the right things, and before they moved in together, seemed to act in all the ways she felt were gallant, kind, protective. Once the move happened Mr Charming turned into Mr. Hyde: controlling, degrading, cruel. What happened? When we have a need, i.e. for a Mr Charming, we can  hook-wink ourselves into fitting an over-sized foot into the glass slipper of our dream or desire. This is typically why it is important to get to know someone over a period of time: months to years, before assigning them the good or the bad traits of our desires or our fears. Let them show themselves to be who they are in many situations, over many emotional, mental or physical crunch times before you decide to trust them or yourself and your story. Always be checking does the reality out there match the story/reality I am making up in here (my mind). Save yourself the heartache of moving too fast. There are phases of coupledom: the honeymoon,(obvious by its name: love but no real knowledge), the raw deal,( the hard phase: where now you have knowledge of the person but are not feeling the love), and the real deal ( the knowledge and love phase). Honeymoons always end. It is in the raw deal phase where we need skills of self esteem, boundaries, repair, needs negotiation and moderation to make it to the real deal. In the case of Mr Prince turning in to Mr Hyde he suffered from a traumatic background where there had never been a safe person he could trust. Just being that close caused him a great deal of anxiety. He did not know how to talk about his vulnerability, his needs or his wants. He began drinking which caused his mind to make up scary stories of betrayal and abandonment. He then became critical, accusatory and downright scary, pushing his "princess" away. The stories of either positive or negative attributes need to be soberly discussed, laid bare, checked out so the other can be apprised of the internal landscape, where it came from and what makes it fit or not. Then the story can be dismantled or proved true and true repair or solutions sought. Since some of these stories are cultural and some personal and sometimes unconscious we do not always know we are in the grip of them! Our desire for connection or fear of being alone or our fear of connection can rule our thinking. It is always good to have a safe trusted person with whom to check our stories. That is what I do. Don't let an unfounded story ruin your life!